Wednesday, July 3, 2013

HASHTAG HASHTAG HASHTAG JOURNALISM YEEZUS IM DRUNK

 


IF YOU NIGGAS DIDN'T KNOW KANYE IS GOD HE'S THE BEST MUSICIAN EVER TO WALK THE FACE OF THE PLANET OF THE EARTH HE'S BASICALLY THE ONLY RELEVANT PERSON TO EVER MAKE MUSIC OK? ALSO RICK RUBIN WAS INVOLVED IN THE MAKING OF THIS AND RICK RUBIN IS THE MOST TALENTED MUSICIAN PRODUCER EVER TO WALK THE FACE OF THE PLANET OF THE UNIVERSE HE'S ALMOST EQUAL TO KANYE THEY ARE TWO BESTS THEY ARE THE BEST PEOPLE THAT EVER MADE A MUSIC. JUST KIDDING GUYS THIS ISN'T A PITCHFORK REVIEW HAHAHA. HERE'S THE SERIOUS NO GAG REFLEX REVIEW EVERY OTHER NIGGA IS GONNA GIVE THIS.

"KANYE WEST IS TACKLING A WIDE RANGE OF TOPICS BY APPROPRIATING THE TIRED RAP CLICHES OF FELLATIO AND MONEY, AND APPLYING THEM TO TODAY'S SOCIETAL ILLS AFFECTING MINORITY AND ESPECIALLY BLACK MEN IN SOCIETY TODAY, SUCH AS MASCULINITY AND HOMOSEXUALITY AND POVERTY USING RAW EMOTIONAL YET SONICALLY JARRING MINIMAL PRODUCTION HE ALLOWS HIS MESSAGE TO SHINE THROUGH, THE MESSAGE OF "I GET MY DICK SUCKED ALOT AND DO SEX WITH WOMEN FREQUENTLY" WHICH IS AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE, IS NOT SHROUDED BY OVERLY COMPLEX PRODUCTION. SUCH IS THE GENIUS OF KANYE, HE KNOWS HE'S BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND HE PROVES IT WITH EVERY FLAWLESS MASTERPIECE ALBUM HE BLESSES US WITH!!"


THAT'S NOT MY FUCKING REVIEW MY PAL. I DON'T DO THOSE. I JUST LISTENED TO THIS SHIT AND PRETENDED IT WASN'T MR. KARDASHIAN IN ORDER TO GIVE AN UNBIASED REVIEW.




ON SIGHT
*DOES POORLY EXECUTED CARTWHEEL INTO ARCADE MACHINE FROM 1983, EATS VERY PIXELATED LOOKING FRUIT* OH COOL KANYE THANK YOU FOR BRINGING ME BACK TO THE DAYS OF BLOWING MY NINTENDO CARTRIDGES BECAUSE THE SHIT FROZE AND STARTED MAKING ALL THESE WEIRD NOISES IN SUCCESSION. DON'T KNOW IF YOU NIGGAS KNOW BUT THIS GORGEOUSLY MINIMALISTIC SONIC BACKDROP IS THE RESULT OF KANYE WATCHIN THE KIM RAYJ SEX TAPE AND RECREATING IT WITH A COMMODORE64. KANYE IS AN INNOVATOR B. ALSO LYRICALLY HE IS RAPPING ABOUT SHIT I CAN RELATE TO SUCH AS LIKE BLOWJOBS ALSO BLOWJOBS AS WELL.

BLACK SKINHEAD
*TOURE STYLE NERD VOICE* "YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND! KANYE IS BREAKING SERIOUS SOCIAL GROUND HERE AND HIGHLIGHTING THE SOCIETAL ILLS WE AS BLACK MEN FACE IN SOCIETY SOCIALLY VIA SOCIAL NETWORKS!!" SHUT THE FUCK UP BRUH THIS SONG SUCKS. I DON'T CARE WHAT THIS NIGGA IS TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE HE SOUNDS LIKE AN ANGRY BEAT POET ASS NIGGA OVER SOME BULLSHIT GENRE WAVE SURFING SHIT. LIKE NIGGAS ARE GONNA HEAR THE SHIT AND BE LIKE "THIS IS GROUNDBREAKING!" BUT THIS IS BASICALLY KANYE RAPPING OVER SOME MARILYN MANSON THROWAWAY B-SIDE WITH 808'S ALL OVER THE SHIT. *FADEAWAY SHOOTS THIS SONG INTO THE BASURINGTON*

I AM A GOD
CMON MY NIGGA...I AM A GOD? ARE YOU TROLLING B? NIGGAS ALREADY BE LIKE "KANYE IS AN EGOMANIAC ASSHOLE" SO WHAT DOES THIS NIGGA DO? DROP A SONG CALLED "I AM A GOD". OBVIOUSLY HE DON'T GIVE A FUCK. THIS NIGGA KANYE SOUNDS WILD ANGRY ON THIS SHIT B. I CAN JUST PICTURE DUDE IN THE STUDIO WITH RICK RUBIN EATING PSYCHEDLIC PENISES AND COMING UP WITH THIS FUNNY ASS BULLSHIT AND RICK JUST BEING LIKE "KANYE HOLY SHIT DUDE...HOLY SHIT...THIS IS IT...THIS. IS. IT. I GOTTA TAKE MY MULES OFF" *REMOVES TIBETAN CROCS, LAYS DOWN ON FUTON* I AM TRIPPING BALLS RIGHT NOW YE...*LOOKS OVER AT KANYE WHO IS LAYING IN A PILE OF PYREX SHIRTS MASTURBATING*

NEW SLAVES
THIS IS A COOL SONG B. IF BY COOL YOU MEAN "SOUNDS LIKE SOME BABY SQUAREPUSHER FUCKSHIT" SO FAR THIS IS THE MOST TOLERABLE SONG ON THE ALBUM THO YOU FEEL ME? CAN WE KEEP IT 100? THESE ACADEMIA ASS WHITE MUSIC CRITIC NIGGAS ARE TRIPPING ALL OVER THEYSELF TO DEEPTHROAT HIS KARDASHIAN KOCK. I KEEP WAITING FOR THE RONI SIZE ASS DRUMS TO KICK IN AND LIKE, MC DYNAMITE TO COME OUTTA NOWHERE ON SOME "REEEWINE SELECTAH!!" THEN OUTTA NOWHERE THIS SHIT TURNED INTO FUCKIN A THEME SONG FOR A BLAXPLOITATION PSYCHEDELIC BRITISH MOVIE ABOUT A BLACK DETECTIVE THEN IT WAS OVER? HOLY SHIT THIS IS BLOWIN MINE.

HOLD MY LIQUOR
I GOT EXCITED FOR THIS CUZ KEEF WAS ON IT. SMH. KANYE GOT CHIEF KEEF AUTOTUNE HARMONIZING ON THIS SHIT THEN HE GETS BACK ON HIS AGGRO LOVE JONES SPOKEN WORD FUCKERY B. WHAT ARE YOU DOING MY PAL? BESIDES MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF THE RAWEST BOLIVIAN PERICS? HOLY SHIT THIS SUCKS. DOG I'M STARTING TO GET UPSET THAT I HAD TO LISTEN TO THIS AND THAT'S SAYING ALOT SINCE I'VE LISTENED TO KID ROCK AND ROD STEWART CHRISTMAS ALBUMS IN THEY ENTIRETY. THIS IS WILD GRATING. THIS NIGGA MADE AN ENTIRE ALBUM OF ACCIDENTAL ELECTRONIC PNO MUSIC. BY ELECTRONIC PNO MUSIC I DON'T MEAN LIKE KASKADE "CURATING" THE SOUNDTRACK TO "BIG WET BUTTS 18" I MEAN LIKE THE ACTUAL NOISES TWO DELL LAPTOPS WOULD MAKE IF THEY WERE DRUNK AND FUCKING EACHOTHER. KEEF DOESNT EVEN RAP ON THIS!! OD MISLEADING SMH.

IM IN IT
ONLY WHITE NIGGAS ARE SHOOK TO BE LIKE "THIS NIGGA IS A FUCKING LYRICAL CORNBALL LAUNCHER" I THINK THIS NIGGA FORGOT HE'S DOING A KANYE ALBUM AND NOT KICKIN A GUEST VERSE ON A 2CHAINZ ALBUM. THIS NIGGA IS KICKIN JOKEY "MERO DRUNK AT A BARBECUE ALIENATING HIS WHITE INLAWS" VERSES OVER "SERIOUS" BEATS. AND BY SERIOUS I MEAN THE TYPE OF SHIT SAUL WILLIAMS JERKS OFF TO IN THE SHOWER. GET THIS NIGGA OUTTA HERE THIS SHIT IS TRULY BLOWING MINE AND I PROMISE I DID EXTRA DRUGS TO GIVE THIS A POSITIVE REVIEW BECAUSE THE ONE ASPECT I ENJOY ABOUT KANYE IS THAT HE IS BASICALLY RIFF RAFF IN REVERSE AND IS CONSTANTLY TROLLING THE FUCK OUTTA WHITE AMERICA.

BLOOD ON THE LEAVES
I CAN'T TELL IF THIS SONG IS ALSO ALSO ABOUT BLOWJOBS BECAUSE KANYE IS DOING A VOCAL STYLE I CALL "AKON ON MOLLY, SOBBING" WITH THE HEAVIEST AUTOTONE AND A C-MURDER TRUMPET SAMPLE SHIT. HOLY SHIT THIS NIGGA INVENTED A NEW GENRE THAT HE HAS TO CALL "FUCKING IRRITATING" HE'S ABOUT TO WIN 20 MORE GRAMMY'S BECAUSE WHITE MUSIC CRITICS ARE SO ON THIS NIGGAS DICK THEY'LL LET THAT NIGGA BE NOMINATED FOR "BEST FUCKING IRRITATING ALBUM."

GUILT TRIP
GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! GRRRRRRRRRR!! I CANT TAKE THIS SQUIRREL FACE NIGGAS FAKE AGGRESSION SERIOUSLY B. YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY NIGGA YOU ABOUT TO SELL PICTURES OF YOUR POP CULTURE BABY TO SOME MAGAZINE FOR A BILLION DOLLARS CUZ AMERICA CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU AND THE KARDASHIAN KAVORTING KULTURE KAROUSEL... THAT SHIT DONT EVEN MAKE NO SENSE I WAS TRYNA USE A BUNCHA K WORDS. HEY CHECK THIS OUT IMA MAKE A KANYE TRACK YOU READY? *WORKS UP BONER, SMUSHES BONER ON ROLAND D-50, GETS BOUNTY KILLER ACCAPELLA, CHOPS & SCREWS IT* LOOK I JUST MADE THIS ALBUM WITH MY DICK. ARE YOU IMPRESSED MUSIC CRITICS? CAN I BE ON THE COVER OF ROMANIAN VOGUE WITH A HOODED COWL NECK BLOUSE MADE OUTTA CHEESECLOTH AND A VINYL PENCIL SKIRT?

SEND IT UP
THIS IS GETTING OUTTA HAND NOW B THE "MINIMALISM" IS STARTIN TO JUST SOUND LIKE NIGGAS ARE KIDDING. RICK RUBIN WAS SITTING INDIAN STYLE NUDE WITH "FLEURE" BLARING IN THE STUDIO AND KANYE WAS LIKE "LETS MAKE THIS SAME SONG AND RAP ABOUT FUCKING OVER IT!!" EVERY SONG STARTS AS THEN SWITCHES UP INTO SOME "EXPERIMENTAL" SOUNDING STRAIGHT UP FUCKITTY FUCK FUCKSHIT. THIS SOUNDS LIKE MY BROTHER GOT WILD DRUNK AND STARTED PLAYING WITH FRUITY LOOPS ON A GATEWAY COMPUTER FROM 1999. *KANYE BLOWS FOOTLONG LINE OF COKE, ALMOST DIES* ""AY MAN! THROW A BEENIE MAN VOCAL SAMPLE ON THAT SHIT! HAAUUNNNH!!" *PASSES OUT*

BOUND 2
THIS IS VINTAGE KANYE. THIS -WAS- VINTAGE KANYE TILL HE THREW THE UNCLE CHARLIE SAMPLE OVER A WEIRD NOISE. THAT SHIT WAS WILD JARRING MY NIGGA DON'T FUCKIN DO THAT SHIT AGAIN OR I'LL SMACK YOU OUT YOUR ASYMMETRICAL TUNIC MY GUY. LYRICALLY THIS IS ABOUT FUCKING GIRLS (DUH)...IM NOT SURE WHAT THE FUCK THIS NIGGA WAS THINKING BUT IT WAS PROBABLY SOMETHING LIKE "EVERYBODY SAYS I'M GAY LET ME USE THIS ENTIRE ALBUM TO DISPELL THAT BY RAPPIN ABOUT NOTHING BUT BLOWJOBS" YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY ACHIEVED THE OPPOSITE YOU WING DING.



YO WOW I'M NOT THE BIGGEST KANYE FAN TO BEGIN WITH AND ASIDE FROM THAT NIGGA DOING SOME PHYSICS DEFYING SELF FELLATION I THINK HE'S A PRETTY COOL GUY. THIS ALBUM FUCKIN SUUUUUCKS THO HOLY SHIT! I KNOW THE STANDARD FUCKIN NERD RESPONSE IS "MERO YOU JUST DON'T "GET IT" DUDE!" NAH I "GET IT" MUTHAFUCKA BUT IF I WANNA LISTEN TO AUTECHRE I'LL JUST LISTEN TO AUTECHRE WITHOUT SHITTY VERSES ABOUT BLOWJOBS OVER IT. IF I WANNA LISTEN TO SHITTY RAPS OVER MINIMALISTIC TECHNO I'LL INVITE MY FRIENDS OVER GIVE THEM TOO MUCH XANAX AND HAVE THEM RAP OVER MATMOS. BUT THAT WHOLE SCENARIO IS THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WOULD CONSIDER "FUN". KANYE TOOK THE CHEAP ROUTE WITH THIS ONE DOG. KIM WAS STRESSING HIM ABOUT COPPING THE LATEST LOUIS VUITTON LAYETTE SO THIS NIGGA JUST CARTWHEELED THROUGH A STUDIO, LISTENED TO SHITTY COMPUTER MUSIC AND WAS LIKE "I HAVENT TOUCHED THIS TYPE OF SHIT SINCE I THREW LITTLE SNIPPETS OF IT IN "WATCH THE THRONE" LEMME JUST DO AN ENTIRE FUCKING ALBUM OF THIS SHIT, MAKE IT SOUND OD SLAPDASH AND ALL THE NIGGAS THAT SAY "THIS SUCKS" WILL BE OVERPOWERED BY MUSIC "JOURNALISTS" INCESSANTLY BLEATING "IT'S AVANT GARDE AND GROUNDBREAKING" WHICH IS CODE FOR "THIS SHIT IS STRAIGHT CAQUI"...THAT WAY NIGGAS CAN'T SAY HE WAS "LAZY" ABOUT THE SHIT. KANYE IS THE MOST PROLIFIC WAVE RIDER OF THIS CENTURY BRUH.

I GIVE THIS SHIT 1 PILE OF DUTCHGUTS OUTTA 5 BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE "MINIMAL TECHNO" AND "INDUSTRIAL"...THIS IS AN INDUSTRIAL GOTH TECHNO GAY SEX DUNGEON MUSIC ALBUM NARRATED BY THE PERSONIFICATION OF EVERY COKEDREAM EVER. THANKS YE FOR THIS INFINITE STRING OF ANAL BEADS.

STANDOUT TRACK: THIS ALBUM FUCKIN SUCKS B. I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK I DON'T GET IT. I GET EVERYTHING EXCEPT MONEY. (SINGLE TEAR EMOJI) I'M LISTENING TO PUBLIC DOMAIN 2 TO PUT ME BACK IN A WAVY STATE OF MIND AFTER LISTENING TO 40 MINUTES OF AGGRO BONDAGE BUTTPLUG WITH A HORSEY TAIL MUSIC.

12 comments:

  1. well said man, this album was buttsauce *pause.

    Free Max B

    Owwww

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wing-ding!. Btw This is a minimalist comment inspired by a Dutch lamp I own that's very fucking expensive and I'm not gay.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mero, your description of music journalists reminded me of this guy haha: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vns-81egipQ


    ReplyDelete
  4. ur capslock is on btw

    ReplyDelete
  5. "THIS ALBUM FUCKIN SUCKS B. I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK I DON'T GET IT. I GET EVERYTHING EXCEPT MONEY. (SINGLE TEAR EMOJI)" Killed me. Keep em coming, your stuff is solid as fuck. Shout out from Norway.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Truth. Mero and Dante Ross need to put out hip hop history 101

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wing-ding!. Btw This can be a simple review motivated with a Nederlander lamp fixture My partner and i own that is extremely screwing pricey that i'm not really homosexual.
    FF14 Gold
    Runescape 3 Gold

    ReplyDelete
  8. spot on. thank god there are other people who aren't blinded by hype. kanye is riff raff in reverse. exactly.

    ReplyDelete
  9. most accurate album review ever

    ReplyDelete
  10. kanye is riff raff in reverse but riff raff rocks, so kanye rocks ?

    ReplyDelete