"CUFFING SEASON" SURVIVAL GUIDE

OH YO THE INTERNET INVENTED THIS SHIT CALLED CUFFING SEASON WHICH IS KNOWN BY NON WORM DIGITAL FACE ASS NIGGAS AS "FALL/WINTER"

IDK THE LOGIC BEHIND LOCKIN DOWN PUSSY FOR THE WINTER SINCE PUSSY IS PUSSY IS PUSSY REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT ITS HOTTER THAN MY WIFE WHEN SHE READ MY DMS OR COLDER THAN MY APARTMENT IN JANUARY.

BUT NIGGAS DO IT SO I'MA ADVISE YOU ON HOW TO PROCEED SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO WIFE A BITCH FOR A SEASONAL POSITION.

IMA DO THIS SHIT IN LIST FORMAT CUZ ALOTTA YOU NIGGAS DON'T LIKE TO READ ESSAYS CUZ I KNOW YOU OUT THERE LISTENING TO CHIEF KEEF AND YOU TOO GANGSTA FOR LITERARY STRUCTURE & SHIT LIKE THAT.

THIS IS 10 THINGS YOU SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT DO WHEN YOU IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING A BITCH TO TOLERATE YOUR DISGUSTING HABITS FOR A FEW MONTHS…THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER IS THAT YOU GONNA PULL THE PLUG ON THIS BITCH EMOTIONALS AS SOON AS MARCH MADNESS IS OVER AND BITCHES ASSES START MAKING CAMEO APPEARANCES AT THE BODEGA. ALSO AS A SIDE NOTE DO NOT GO TO THE BODEGA TO COP A DUTCH FREEBALLING IN SOME AND1 SHORTS B. CUZ IF YOU SEE YADIRA IN THERE WEARING WHAT LOOKS LIKE CUTOFF BOXER BRIEFS YOU GONNA CATCH A BONER AND BITCHES WILL ETHER YOU AND YOUR LIL BABY THUMB FOREVER. BUT YO LEMME GET INTO THIS LIST SO YOU NIGGAS KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOURSELVES…




1) DON'T BUY HER A PET: NIGGA YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE THIS BITCH IN THE DUST ONCE IT GOES ABOVE ROOM TEMPERATURE OUTSIDE, WHENEVER YOU BUY A PET FOR/WITH A BITCH, THEY ASSUME YOU WANT TO HAVE A BABY MY NIGGA. SLOW IT DOWN, IF YOU SHOW UP TO MEET THE BITCH WITH A LITTLE BABY FLYING CHIHUAHUA SQUIRREL DOG SHE'S GONNA STOP TAKING HER BIRTH CONTROL PILLS AND NEGLECT TO TELL YOU B. THEN WHEN YOU SMASHING SHE'S GONNA WRAP HER ARMS & LEGS AROUND YOU LIKE A BABY POSSUM IN A TORNADO. NO NIGGA ON EARTH HAS THE STRENGTH TO RESIST THE WARM SOFT INNARDS OF A MOIST VAGINAL CANAL B. BUSTING A NUT IN THE PUSSY IS LIKE FOLLOWING THROUGH ON A JUMPSHOT MY NIGGA. IT FEELS VERY NATURAL AND SWAGGED OUT. PULLING OUT FEELS LIKE WHAT JOAKIM NOAH'S JUMPSHOT LOOKS LIKE. SO THE BEST THING TO DO IS NOT PUT YASELF IN THAT SITUATION, AIGHT?



2) DON'T LET YOURSELF GO: WHATEVER STANDARDS YOU WERE AT WHEN YOU BAGGED THIS BITCH MUST BE MAINTAINED UNTIL YOU KICK HER TO THE CURB ON APRIL FOOLS DAY. NAHMEAN NIGGA CUZ ATTAINING A BITCH IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER IS LIKE RED DAWN B LIKE YOU JUST BE WANDERING THE ILL PUSSY WASTELAND AND WHEN YOU FINALLY SEE A BITCH IN THE DISTANCE YOU GET OD HYPE LIKE "WOLVERINES NIGGA!" WITH YOUR DICK IN YOUR HAND & SHIT…NAH NIGGA, RIGHT AFTER YOU SPOTS THE BITCH SOME NIGGA MATERIALIZES WITH THE ETERNAL KUNGFU GRIP ON THAT BITCHES METACARPALS B. SO YOU GOTTA STAY ON POINT. "WHAT YOU MEAN MERO? GIMME AN EXAMPLE." AIGHT, HERE'S ONE, DON'T SHIT WITH THE DOOR OPEN. WHY WOULD YOU SHIT WITH THE DOOR OPEN MY PAL? I BEEN MARRIED AND ALREADY PUT OD MILES ON MY WIFE VAGINA AND I DON'T EVEN SHIT WITH THE DOOR OPEN ON SOME RECKLESS SHIT. MATTERFACT WHEN YOU TAKE A SHIT RUN THE SHOWER B. THIS BITCH IS NOT GONNA WANNA SUCK YOUR DICK IF ITS ADJACENT TO SWEATY SHITTY BALLS MY NIGGA. KEEP YOUR HYGIENE ONE LEVEL BELOW A GAY MALE MODEL AND TWO LEVELS ABOVE NIGGAS WHO LISTEN TO ANYBODY ON SHADY RECORDS.



3) DON'T SET STUPID PRECEDENTS: NIGGA DONT TAKE THIS BITCH OUT TO EAT ORGANIC EXTINCT MONKEY DICKS FROM FIJI ON YOUR FIRST 5 DATES. NAHMEAN THAT SETS A PRECEDENT WHERE IF YOU TAKE THIS BITCH TO POPEYES FOR LUNCH AND TELL HER TO BE EASY WITH THE SUBSTITUTING BREASTS FOR THIGHS SHIT, SHE'S GONNA BE ON SOCIAL NETWORKS LOOKING FOR DICKS FASTER THAN A CLOSETED GAY DUDE IN A FRESHMAN DORM. START OFF SMALL SO WHEN YOU TAKE THE BITCH TO OLIVE GARDEN SHE THINKS ITS A BIG DEAL AND WEARS A MATCHIN BRA AND PANTIES. NAHMEAN ALSO YOU'LL FUCK AROUND AND GO BROKE IN 2 MONTHS B THAT'S NOT WHAT "CUFFIN SEASON" IS ABOUT MY NIGGA ITS ABOUT MAX PUSSY GENERATION WITH MINIMAL MONETARY OUTPUT B.



4) DON'T LET THE BITCH REALLY MOVE IN: SON, BITCHES ARE LIKE BARNACLES, ONCE THEY ON YOUR BOAT YOU CAN SCRAPE THEM OFF BUT THAT SHIT IS A PAIN IN THE ASS AND ALSO THEY LEAVE A STAIN ON YOUR FRONT PART OF YOUR BOAT WHATS THAT SHIT CALLED? *GOOGLES IT* ON YOUR HULL B. BITCHES WILL BE STUCK ON YOUR HULL MY NIGGA YOU DONT WANT THAT. "MERO WHY YOU SAID "REALLY?" HOW CAN A BITCH NOT "REALLY" MOVE IN?" YO WHAT I MEAN IS THE MOST YOU CAN DO IS GIVE THE BITCH A DRAWER. GIVE THE BITCH ONE OF YOUR DRAWERS SO WHEN IT'S TIME FOR HER TO BOUNCE AND SHE TRIES TO GET LIVE AND LOUD LIKE SHE HAD YOUR KIDS YOU CAN TAKE THE DRAWER OUT AND SMASH THAT SHIT TO SHRIVELS ON HER WIGGINGTON LIKE NIGGA IN THE WARRIORS DID TO THE BITCH FROM THE GIRL GANG. JK I DON'T CONDONE SPOUSAL ABUSE UNLESS ITS FUNNY AND TELEVISED. ALSO IDK WHAT A BARNACLE EVEN IS MY NIGGA I TOTALLY JUST ASSUMED ALL THAT BARNACLE INFO BASED ON CARTOONS & SHIT.


5) DON'T INTRODUCE HER TO YOUR MOMS: YO THIS BITCH IS LIKE A LOANER CAR YOU GET FROM THE DEALER WHEN NIGGAS IS FIXING YOUR HEATED SEATS. SAME WAY YOU WOULDN'T GO PICK UP A DOPE BITCH IN A CAR THAT SAYS "CURRY ACURA OF HOHOKUS LOANER VEHICLE" MAD BIG ON THE REAR WINDSHIELD, YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO BRING THIS DISPOSABLE PENIS HOLDER TO THANKSGIVING & SHIT WHERE EVERYBODY BRING THEY WIFE & SHIT. NAHMEAN EVERYBODY THERE WITH THEY KIDS AND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS THATS BEEN AROUND SINCE THE COSBY SHOW AND EVEN YOUR GAY UNCLE ETHAN CAME THROUGH WITH HIS FAKE WIFE THAT HE BEEN FRONTIN WITH FOR YEARS. YOU CAN'T COME THROUGH WITH THIS BITCH THAT DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS "WESLEYAN" B. THEY GON ASK HOW YALL MET AND SHE'S GONNA SAY SOME EMBARRASSING SHIT LIKE "LOCALHOOKUPZ.COM" OR SOME OTHER ASININE SHIT. THEN THE NEXT YEAR NIGGAS GONNA ASK YOU ABOUT THE BITCH AND TRY TO GIVE YOU LIFE ADVICE AND YOU GONNA BE SITTIN THERE OD TIGHT LIKE "FUCK UP ETHAN YOU SUCK WILD DICKS NIGGA! FUCK YOU KNOW ABOUT M/F RELATIONSHIPS B! FUCK ARE YOU DAN SAVAGE?" …EXCEPT YOU DON'T SAY THAT SHIT OUT LOUD CUZ HE'LL CLEMENTI HISSELF OUT OF PURE EMBARRASSMENT


6) MAINTAIN CASUAL DRUG USE: YO IDK WHAT THIS GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING BUT FUCK IT I ALWAYS LIKE TO PRETEND MY WIFE LIKES TO INDULGE IN CASUAL DRUG USE BUT SHE DOESN'T. SHE LIKES TO DRINK WINE AND TAKE A PERCOCET THEN MAKE WHAT IM ASSUMING SHE THINKS IS A SEXY FACE WHEN SHE GRINDS ON ME TO SOME REGGAETON OR SOME SHIT. IF YOU GOT A BITCH THAT DOES A DECENT AMOUNT OF DRUGS OR EVEN BETTER PROVIDES A DECENT AMOUNT OF DRUGS THEN YOU SUPER STRAIGHT FOR THE WINTER. LETS FACE IT B WHEN IT'S COLDER THAN HILLARY CLINTON'S WOMB OUTSIDE THE BEST THING TO DO IS GET STUPID HIGH, GET YOUR DICK SUCKED AND PLAY SONIC THE HEDGEHOG (OH SHIT I GOT THE SUPER SNEAKERS IM RUNNIN OD FAST OH SHIT OH SHIT *BA-DONNGGG!*) ON YOUR TV WHILE YOU EAT AN ENTIRE ENTENMANN'S CAKE. OH OH YO! I ALMOST FORGOT, BEWARE OF BITCHES THAT JUST DRINK OD AND DON'T DO ANY TYPE OF DRUGS. THEY ARE WEIRD AND PROLLY WILL SAY YOU RAPED THEM SO FALL BACK BEFORE YOU END UP ON A SEX PREDATOR LIST CUZ YOU FELL ASLEEP WITH YOUR DICK OUT ON SOME BITCHES COUCH.



YO I BET YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS GONNA BE 10 OF THESE BUT GUESS WHAT? BUY MY BOOK NIGGA. ALSO EMAIL EVERY NETWORK AND TELL THEM ABOUT MY EMMY AWARD WINNING CRACK SO I CAN GET MORE NIGGAS INVOLVED IN THIS BIDDING WAR YOU FEEL ME? THEN I'LL BE RICH AND I'LL THROW MEROJAMS EVERY SUMMER THATS LIKE THESE PARTIES THESE NIGGAS BE THROWING EXCEPT THERE WILL ACTUALLY BE BITCHES THERE NOT 1000000000000000000 STREETWEAR COWARD NIGGAS IN NONPRESCRIPTION GLASSES AND "COOL TSHIRTS"…I SHINE, YOU SHINE.

AIGHT THAT'S IT FOR NOW I THINK MY SON THREW MY WEED OUT THE WINDOW BRB GOTTA GO BEAT HIM MERCILESSLY.